🥃 Sobriety Diary #1: How I Got Here

I didn't drink until I was 21.

I think that was something I was always proud of growing up. There wasn't a ton of pressure to drink when I was in high school (D.A.R.E. lied to me - no was was bringing a case of beer to school and making fun of me for not chugging one), but by the time I turned 19 or so I had basically decided "eh, I've made it this far, why not just wait until it's legal".

And I did. On my 21st birthday, I went out to a bar to get lunch with my dad. I got a glass of Dewar's (wasn't a fan) and a Woodchuck cider (was a fan). From there, I think I more than made up for the first 21 years of my life, between parties, depression, and loneliness in college to...well...the same stuff afterwards.

I took breaks every so often. I did Whole30 a few times, which meant no drinking. When Theo was born, I didn't drink for a few months, mostly just from exhaustion. These chunks of time made me feel like I didn't have a problem, since I was literally "quitting whenever I wanted to". Yeah, there were some rough times - knocking back 7 shots of tequila before going out just so I'd have a good time feels like problematic behavior in retrospect - but in general I never felt like I had lost control of my life - I just liked the taste and feeling I got from alcohol.

10 months ago today was my birthday. I turned 33 - a famously unimportant birthday. I was up in Rhode Island with Em and Theo and remembered Em asking me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I'm pretty sure I said "oh, nothing special, just hang out", but in my head, that translated to "I want to drink and don't want to have to plan on driving or being presentable". And that was very real - I just wanted to drink, just wanted to be drunk. I went to the liquor store, got a bunch of beer and seltzers, and a few $10 mystery bags (each with a beer, a few shots, and a scratch off ticket). I was hammered by 11, and didn't stop all day.

And nothing happened. I didn't get into a fight, wrap my car around a tree, or drop Theo. I just kinda vibed on the porch, walked around a big yard sale, and kept drinking.

Around dinner, I took a beat and realized that my wish had come true - I hadn't done anything special. My birthday had come and gone, and I was drunk the whole time. I didn't spend time with Theo, I didn't have a nice time with Em, I just got drunk.

So I decided to quit.

My plan was easy enough (and probably based on movie/television depictions of alcoholics) - just don't drink today. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow, but don't drink today. Whenever I had quit in the past, I had always made exceptions - holidays, weddings, Tuesdays - just so it wouldn't feel so definite. Again, I didn't have a problem, I'd tell myself, I'm just trying to be a little healthier.

I'm still not sure if I actually had (have?) a drinking problem. I never went through any kind of withdrawal, I rarely wanted a drink (most of the time just out of convenience - meeting up with someone at a bar, going to a brewery for a birthday, etc.), and I don't remember any sort of physical reaction to the lack of alcohol in my system. To that same effect, I didn't have any massive(ly visible) signs of my body improving. I didn't lose any weight, I didn't start sleeping better, and my hair didn't grown back.

Right around the time I quite drinking, I got settled onto some anti-depressants, and Theo started daycare. Between all of that, hitting my stride at work, and being settled back into our house, my days got a lot more manageable. I certainly don't attribute this just to my sobriety, but I'm sure it helped.

So, why write this? I don't know. I think I just wanted to chronicle how I've been feeling about my sobriety. Since quitting, there have been more and more revelations about how drinking alcohol might actually be bad for you (🙀). I'm already not in the best shape of my life, so I'm happy to knock that off the list of things to worry about.

While I don't really miss it, I did really enjoy the taste of cocktails, liquors, and beers. I happy that the NA market has stepped up to fill that void - you're never going to mistake a zero-proof spirit for it's alcoholic counterpart, but just having an interesting tasting drink that isn't just sweet is really nice.

It's an interesting part of who I am - I know that there are a lot of people who take tremendous pride in their sobriety (as they should) - people who really overcame years (decades) of addiction to better themselves, people who refer to their demons when talking about drinking. I never felt that way - drinking was usually just "fun" and "fine". Yeah, I'd use it to cope sometimes, but it never seemed to get in the way enough that it blocked a path - maybe just made it a trickier journey.

All that is to say that, while I'm happy I quit, I'm not necessarily proud of it. I didn't deal with all of the struggles that I'd heard about, and it hadn't gotten to the point where I "needed" to quit, just "wanted" to. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly lucky that it was easy for me. But it almost makes it feel like less of an accomplishment than I'd thought. Which is fine?

If you're concerned about your alcohol use, talk to a professional. I'm always happy to lend an ear, but medical, mental health, and addiction professionals can provide much more help.

There are loads of resources online, and Indiana University has compiled a bunch of them. I'd still recommend talking to a mental health professional.